It’s been a busy week. On Memorial Day, I spent most of the afternoon holding my cousin’s newborn baby boy. The family was afraid that seeing him would upset me. It didn’t. I’m so curious about babies. Honestly, I don’t know much about them and don’t feel very comfortable taking care of one. With Caleb, it would have been a learning experience. And holding that baby, I looked at his little feet and wondered what Caleb would have been like.
When I first lost Caleb, I had to fight the urge to run up to women with babies and ask, “How did you get your baby out alive?” Now, when I see pregnant women it scares me. I wonder if they know to be worried. Are they counting their kicks? Have they been tested for clotting disorders? I feel like I stare, but it’s partially because it feels like my pregnancy wasn’t real and I’m trying to remember what it was like. After all, I have no baby to prove that I was ever pregnant.
Our raffle is going very well. We only have 20-something tickets left to sell. Knowing we will have the money for our FET soon makes me so excited. I have gotten very serious with my Weight Watchers and have exercised everyday. I have had more energy and felt better lately. My cycle has even normalized to twenty eight days again.Once we have the money, we will meet with our fertility doctor and see when he thinks we should do the transfer. If my weight is a non-issue, then we could potentially be doing this next month! I also met with a hematologist this week who I really liked. He explained a lot of things about clotting disorders and has run a bunch of other tests. Results should be in a week from tomorrow.
Things are looking up. Now to work on my stress levels and relaxation. My husband and I are doing much better. We take time for one another every day and are going to see a counselor this week. It feels good to be able to write about something positive for once!
finallypregnant2012 
Good luck!!!
I have FVL too. I am so sorry about your baby Caleb. How very sad. I only know a small bit of grief compared to your experience. We had 3 losses, but the latest was only 14 weeks & she was only 5 inches long when I delivered her. I can’t imagine how much harder a stillbirth would be, bless your heart.
I am glad you are going to counseling. My husband went to grief counseling & found it very helpful. I did lots of talking, crying, online research, etc. as my way of dealing with the losses.
I can relate to your reaction to holding another baby. People assumed that seeing other babies would bother me, but I wouldn’t look at their babies and want THAT baby. I wanted MY baby. When you see your child and know their face, that’s what you long for.
I sure wish you the best. Treating the Factor V Leiden worked for us. Our miracle baby just turned one! I had a great perinatologist and would encourage you to seek out a good one as well. They are the high-risk pregnancy experts.
Again, lots of tender thoughts and good wishes.