Terrible or Terribly Honest

I have been trying to keep busy and think positive. We have an 80% chance that our two embryos will survive the thawing process. We won’t know until Wednesday if they make it or not. Then we have a 40% chance of me getting pregnant. I’ve been reading lots of FET success storied online lately, but now even those make me feel like I can’t breathe. I know that whatever will be, will be. I really have no control over what happens this cycle. Besides my 3 days of bed rest and eating pineapple cores there really isn’t much I can do to help. I also read where someone said laughter is good after the transfer, so I have been planning out which funny movies I will watch on Netflix. Any suggestions would be welcome, although I have what my husband calls a “dry” sense of humor, so what I find funny might not match up with what you find funny.

The progesterone in oil shots are starting to leave me very sore. Tomorrow I have some running around and last minute preparations to do for the three days I will be on bed rest. Then in the evening, I have a massage and facial scheduled to try and get me relaxed for Wednesday’s transfer. Anyone who wants to send a meal, or some magazines, or the DVDs of Chappelle Show, feel free! 🙂

If I’m being perfectly honest, I’m really scared. What if it doesn’t work? What if my mom gave me her Harley to raffle and I don’t give her a grandchild? What if I have to re-evaluate my life again? What if I never get to be a mother to a baby here on Earth? How do I even begin to deal with the idea of living childless?

It also makes me mad. Sometimes I hate people who can have sex and get pregnant. Why do I have to go through all of this? Supposedly, my body works perfectly fine (aside from my clotting disorders-but reproductively I am fine.) Am I wrong to feel it is unfair that I am forced to take all the shots and harbor all the fear and guilt of this procedure? I shouldn’t be going through this right now. I should be enjoying the first year of Caleb’s life. I wonder if things were reversed, if my husband had to take all this on and I were the one who was reproductively challenged-would he be upset with the unfairness of the situation? I wish I were a better person. I wish I were patient, and happy and didn’t get angry at people who have it easy. But I’m not. And I’m not sure if it’s because I’m a terrible person or just the only one saying it out loud. 

At this point, I don’t have a Plan B. I’ve come up with a few and discussed them with my husband. However, the one I am leaning towards requires a lot of faith and trust in another person and I don’t know if that will work. Maybe that’s why I get all the hard parts of the fertility processes. I trust myself to do what needs to be done, more than anyone else. 

Interestingly, a friend who lost his daughter to stillbirth told me that after you survive the death of your baby, you assume that something good has to happen,because you deserve it for surviving, or simply to balance things out. But that’s not the way it works. That was some of the best advice I have been given thus far. But I still keep hoping for something good. I wish, I pray, I cry at night and talk to Caleb.

My lining last week needed to be greater than 6 to proceed. Mine was at 10.2. My body is ready. I’m supposed to be a mother. I just hope that this is when it happens.

A Blog A Day…

Today I saw my therapist again. She thinks it would be beneficial for me to blog daily, or at least write something. That makes sense for a few reasons. First, I can get whatever I’m thinking out of my head and possibly sleep better with fewer nightmares. Second, it will help me to go back and read what exactly I have been doing and thinking since most days I feel so foggy that I could be floating along unaware of the date or what I have been doing. Third, I love connecting with other mothers of lost babies.

Last night I took the last birth control pill. Now I wait for my period to start so that I can start taking estrogen. My husband does not seem excited about giving me the progesterone shots. I’m not happy about getting them either, but we have to suck it up. Has anyone ever given themselves these shots? Im afraid he might back out or not make it home in time one day. My thyroid is super elevated, so I’m back on Synthroid again. When the nurse called she said, “Start taking the Synthroid and we will check your levels in about four weeks when we do your pregnancy test.” It makes me excited to think we don’t have too much longer to wait!

Yesterday I slept ALL day. I woke up at 3pm with Caleb on my mind. All of a sudden the sunlight filled the room and I knew he wanted me to get up. So I forced myself to be up for a little while. I was sleeping again by 5pm. But today I woke up early and had a ton of running around to do. Sometimes it’s nice to be busy. I miss having a schedule of some sort, but at the same time I value the freedom I have to fall apart and sleep all day when I need to. It’s only been five months since my life changed. It still hurts so much. In fact, because I can function and not think about losing Caleb for periods of time, when I remember the details it hurts even worse than I expect.

I don’t know how my husband goes to work everyday. I feel guilty that I don’t have a job right now. But I also am about to start graduate school and go through this FET. It’s hard to think about adding more responsibility when I can’t think clearly most of the time anyway. I’m still not registered for my classes. Missing that Information Session due to my aunt’s car trouble really messed me up. I hate not knowing what’s going on and feeling behind where school is concerned.

Tomorrow I want to try and get up early again and be productive. I guess we will see how it goes….

Let’s Be Honest

Let’s be honest, shall we? I know not everyone in my life enjoys telling the truth. But fuck it. I want to sleep all day. I just washed my bedding last night and my bed is the best place I have ever been. My dreams are ten times better than my life, even when they are scary. I’m excited to see what happens next. Even in the dreams where I so often try to scream and no sound will come out. Last night (or sometime today) I dreamt that I was in New Jersey and it had snowed. I haven’t seen a real snowstorm in over six years. The last time I saw snow was the night Caleb was born, out in the parking lot, all drugged up, smoking a cigarette. Oh, today is my fifth day smoke-free again. I can’t say the same for my husband. We are two very different people. Love doesn’t care how different two people are. It doesn’t decide to by-pass the guy with the crappy sperm or the girl whose body will clot up and kill their miracle baby. They fall in love, ruin their chances at parenthood, and are left with each other. Unless you have experienced what we have, I suggest you take your “perfect” marriage and shove it up your ass. You have no idea what goes on in this house or this relationship. Talk to me when you bury your baby. Then maybe we will have something in common again. Because no matter who I was before, Caleb changed me permanently. Not only do I know that the worst things in the world CAN happen, I expect them to happen to me. So at this time, while I am waiting to attempt to get pregnant again, I am feeling very alone. But it’s okay. I love my house. I would never leave if I didn’t have to. I am terrified that this upcoming transfer will not work. I hope with everything in me that it will, but I also know that a 40% chance isn’t great, especially when it is our last chance. I need a Plan B.

Better Days…

It’s been a busy week. On Memorial Day, I spent most of the afternoon holding my cousin’s newborn baby boy. The family was afraid that seeing him would upset me. It didn’t. I’m so curious about babies. Honestly, I don’t know much about them and don’t feel very comfortable taking care of one. With Caleb, it would have been a learning experience. And holding that baby, I looked at his little feet and wondered what Caleb would have been like.

When I first lost Caleb, I had to fight the urge to run up to women with babies and ask, “How did you get your baby out alive?” Now, when I see pregnant women it scares me. I wonder if they know to be worried. Are they counting their kicks? Have they been tested for clotting disorders? I feel like I stare, but it’s partially because it feels like my pregnancy wasn’t real and I’m trying to remember what it was like. After all, I have no baby to prove that I was ever pregnant.

Our raffle is going very well. We only have 20-something tickets left to sell. Knowing we will have the money for our FET soon makes me so excited. I have gotten very serious with my Weight Watchers and have exercised everyday. I have had more energy and felt better lately. My cycle has even normalized to twenty eight days again.Once we have the money, we will meet with our fertility doctor and see when he thinks we should do the transfer. If my weight is a non-issue, then we could potentially be doing this next month! I also met with a hematologist this week who I really liked. He explained a lot of things about clotting disorders and has run a bunch of other tests. Results should be in a week from tomorrow.

Things are looking up. Now to work on my stress levels and relaxation. My husband and I are doing much better. We take time for one another every day and are going to see a counselor this week. It feels good to be able to write about something positive for once!

Still here…

I saw my OB last week. I presented my research articles to her. She was initially agreeing with the idea of only using baby aspirin in my next pregnancy. I explained to her that this could be my last chance and I wasn’t willing to get pregnant if I couldn’t protect my child. She agreed that we will start lovenox a week before my transfer! I was supposed to start baby aspirin right away, but I forgot until I started writing this.

Last week was the bike rally and we went out to three venues to sell tickets for Harley for Hope. We now have about 72 tickets left. I am nervous that it might be difficult to get these sold. Anytime I have to count on people besides myself I get nervous.

Things with my husband are still strained. There’s been a lot of fighting and avoiding going on around here. I am working on getting us into counseling. He has agreed to go, but says he doesn’t think it helps him. It’s stressing me out. We don’t communicate with one another very effectively.

Despite the fact that I’m feeling anxiety about selling tickets and my marriage, I feel like other areas of my life are better than they have been in awhile. I used to have a major issue with being alone. Now I choose to be alone at least 75% of the time. I guess in a normal person that might be unhealthy, but since it used to upset me I think it’s pretty great. I am trying to figure out what makes me happy and what I want to be doing. I have made my bedroom my spot to relax. It is the only area of the house that is as clean as I would like and the only place I can lay down when my fibromyalgia acts up. My husband has been sleeping on the couch for awhile now. He started sleeping there when I was pregnant. I have problems sleeping and couldn’t take anything to help while pregnant and his snoring drove me crazy. After Caleb died he slept in the bed with me for awhile. But recently, he’s back on the couch and I don’t know why.

I recently received my acceptance to graduate school. I’m still figuring out what my life will be like in this new phase. I’m job hunting, but I don’t want to settle. And part of me wants to take some time to paint and read-all the things I love but never make time to do. Plus, I would need to be taking time for doctor’s appointments once we get the money to do the FET. I guess I’m a little bit lost right now. It’s hard to make decisions when talking with my husband ends up in a fight almost every time.

When your baby dies, does your marriage die too?

I am no longer allowed to talk about my feelings regarding Caleb with my husband. He yells at me and calls me an idiot. He also said that I act like this only happened to me. Maybe God did Caleb a favor taking him away from us. Maybe we are not meant to have children together.

I told him that I would have done anything to protect Caleb. If someone hurt him I would have killed them. But it was ME who ended up hurting him. My body killed him by clotting. And telling my husband that I feel this way makes me “an idiot.” So from now on, I will not talk to him regarding my mourning process.

Is it common for couples to break up after losing a child? I feel like we are no longer in this together. I don’t know who I’m supposed to talk to. Honestly, unless someone has been through this, they wouldn’t understand. I would’ve thought that he and I would be able to talk about this. It was our child. But apparently, I’m supposed to be over it. By expressing my grief, I have made it seem like it only happened to me.