20 weeks 5 days

Last week I went to the MFM and got a really good look at the babies. Both are growing well and have all their parts (a boy & a girl!) I have been feeling movement for a few weeks now. I just keep thinking that if I make it to January 10, that’s 24 weeks and then they are “viable.” I find that it’s hard to breathe a lot of the time and I have to keep thinking of small milestones. Even with doctor appointments every two weeks, I never feel reassured.

I was decorating the tree the other day and listening to songs that remind me of Caleb. The meaning of the word “bittersweet” has never been so clear to me as it is during this pregnancy. I feel blessed and I feel sad all at the same time.

There was a luminary lighting at Caleb’s cemetery earlier this month. It was freezing and raining, but my family still made the effort to come out. None of the candles stayed lit, but the turnout was humbling. So many people missing their loved ones, all buried in the same place as my baby boy.

A few weeks ago, I was hospitalized for bleeding. It was scary and all too familiar feeling. The babies were fine, placentas were fine. I still don’t know what caused the bleeding. But it’s gone and I am back on all blood thinners.

This year we are decorating three trees at our house. I always do two, but this year we are doing a third one for Caleb. Because it snowed the night he was born/the night he died, I am doing the entire tree in snowflakes and anything else that reminds me of him. I hope that in the future, my twins will help pick out new ornaments for their big brother and decorate his tree.

I know this post is sort of a random catch up, but I kind of need it to clear my head. After the hospitalization, my activities have been restricted. I’m not on bed rest, but I have to be mindful of activity and I’m restricted from some of them. It’s strange and kind of lonely now that the semester is over. I did write an 8 page and 15 page paper on stillbirth and got 100% on both. I thought papers at the Masters level would be harder. They aren’t, but I do feel like maybe I have more of a chance at making a difference with my knowledge when I’m done.

My struggle right now is allowing myself to truly feel how much I love these babies. Of course I love them-most of the time it’s overwhelming, but sometimes it seems like I have to numb my feelings due to the fear of losing them. Tonight I started talking to them and they kicked in response. If anything were to go wrong, I would feel terrible if I didn’t try and show them how much I love them out of fear. They deserve more than that, even if I only get them for a little while.

Most days I can think positive and believe that things will be okay. But it’s still terrifying. I don’t think I could survive another stillbirth. I hope Caleb is watching over all of us. Sometimes I still have to ask myself if Caleb would want me to stay in bed all day. That’s how I got through the days after we lost him. He keeps me going. No matter what happens, no matter how many children come after him, I will never stop missing Caleb and wishing I had gotten to bring him home.

15 Weeks

Far Along: 15 weeks 3 days

Yummy Foods of the Week: Lemons (always), Sonic Lemon slushes, Milk Duds

How I’m Feeling: TIRED. More tired than I have ever been before. And stuffy, of course.

Freak Out This Week: I’ve been laying awake at night reliving the worst day of my life. I wonder if the babies know that they are currently living where Caleb lived…and where Caleb died. Thank God for my doppler. I can listen to their little heartbeats on the days when the anxiety gets really bad.

Best Moment this Week: I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, which means I will get to see the twins for a minute. I will be also be able to have my cervix checked and get some reassurance that they are okay in there and won’t be coming earlier than we expect.

Things Purchased for the Babies: Just the doppler so far and that is really for me so that I won’t go crazy.

I haven’t written much lately. I’m terrified most of the time and it seems like writing might actually make it worse. Historically, that hasn’t been true for me. So I am back, trying to ease some of the anxiety. This pregnancy is so different from Caleb’s in so many ways. Twins are rough, especially starting out at a higher weight than I did with Caleb. It’s good though, because I always have symptoms to let me know that I am still pregnant and that they should be okay. I saw a MFM in Charleston at 12 weeks who I LOVED. He actually cared about my babies and he was honest about the risks. I see him again next month so that they can check the blood flow to my uterus and the placentas. That will tell them if I will more likely have to deliver earlier or not. It’s wonderful feeling like I am being taken care of, which is more than I can say for my OB. She’s trying, but I feel like the office is so busy that personal attention to detail is hard to come by.

I follow a lot of groups regarding stillbirth on facebook. Every time I see the picture of a new baby born sleeping,  get this stabbing pain in my stomach. It kills me that someone else knows that pain, that we haven’t come further in limiting the number of babies born sleeping. I look at those pictures and I see the baby that was so wanted and anticipated. For a minute, it feels like hearing that Caleb had no heartbeat. But I don’t want to hide all these groups. Stillbirth changed me and it’s a reality I have to live with everyday.

The Weight of Grieving

I have really let my weight get out of control. I don’t smoke, hardly ever drink, and have been working on what my therapist calls “self care.” But I find comfort in ice cream and other yummy foods. It feels like that is my only vice. I do not feel healthy. So tonight I actually sat here and tried to figure out some healthy meals for the upcoming week. For some reason, meal planning frustrates me and I have been avoiding it. Time has run out for avoiding dealing with this weight. And I need to get back to walking everyday again. I wish I had a friend to walk with everyday who could help to motivate me to get out of bed. I’m still plagued by nightmares every single night. School starts back up for me on August 22. That’s certainly good news. I am a super nerd and cannot wait to get started on my MSW! It’s surreal that I am a graduate student.

It amazes me that some people think I’m fine now. Like I should have everything together. Especially when these people are supposed to be close to me. Really,I have very few people I feel close to right now. Don’t judge the way someone grieves. I know I have in the past but I wish people would understand that everyday actions can be really hard to accomplish when you are grieving. My phone calls go unmade, my house uncleaned, and my clothes wrinkled. I look the way I feel. I’m a mess. I have terrible anxiety about leaving my house or people coming in it. I have trouble getting myself up out of bed some days. So keeping things in order is hard, especially since its overwhelming to start a project and I have no help at all. My husband admits that he does nothing at all around the house. I know no one wants to talk about Caleb and the people who “care” about me want me to “get over it.” I will never get over my son. I wish everyone could understand that. If you are in my life and don’t want to hear it anymore then please unfriend me, keep distancing yourself from me, and let me be. It still feels like I can’t remember things and I’m walking around with my head in a fog. So it makes it hard to keep up with conversations I’ve had or social events coming up. I feel like I have dementia.

As part of my self care, as instructed by my therapist, I am going to listen to my meditation mp3 and get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day.

A Blog A Day…

Today I saw my therapist again. She thinks it would be beneficial for me to blog daily, or at least write something. That makes sense for a few reasons. First, I can get whatever I’m thinking out of my head and possibly sleep better with fewer nightmares. Second, it will help me to go back and read what exactly I have been doing and thinking since most days I feel so foggy that I could be floating along unaware of the date or what I have been doing. Third, I love connecting with other mothers of lost babies.

Last night I took the last birth control pill. Now I wait for my period to start so that I can start taking estrogen. My husband does not seem excited about giving me the progesterone shots. I’m not happy about getting them either, but we have to suck it up. Has anyone ever given themselves these shots? Im afraid he might back out or not make it home in time one day. My thyroid is super elevated, so I’m back on Synthroid again. When the nurse called she said, “Start taking the Synthroid and we will check your levels in about four weeks when we do your pregnancy test.” It makes me excited to think we don’t have too much longer to wait!

Yesterday I slept ALL day. I woke up at 3pm with Caleb on my mind. All of a sudden the sunlight filled the room and I knew he wanted me to get up. So I forced myself to be up for a little while. I was sleeping again by 5pm. But today I woke up early and had a ton of running around to do. Sometimes it’s nice to be busy. I miss having a schedule of some sort, but at the same time I value the freedom I have to fall apart and sleep all day when I need to. It’s only been five months since my life changed. It still hurts so much. In fact, because I can function and not think about losing Caleb for periods of time, when I remember the details it hurts even worse than I expect.

I don’t know how my husband goes to work everyday. I feel guilty that I don’t have a job right now. But I also am about to start graduate school and go through this FET. It’s hard to think about adding more responsibility when I can’t think clearly most of the time anyway. I’m still not registered for my classes. Missing that Information Session due to my aunt’s car trouble really messed me up. I hate not knowing what’s going on and feeling behind where school is concerned.

Tomorrow I want to try and get up early again and be productive. I guess we will see how it goes….

Bring on the Hormones!

Today I went in for a sonohysterogram (an ultrasound where fluid is used to expand the uterus so that any problems can be seen.) I had one done last year as well. It’s not pleasant, but it means that I should be starting my estrogen soon. My mom went with me. It was very uncomfortable and I’m still cramping,but my doctor said everything looks great! I have been on my birth control for about 18 days now and will take my last pill on Tuesday night. I really hope this all works. I’m trying to stay positive and relax. I took an Epsom salt bath the other night and drank a glass of wine at the recommendation of my therapist. My mom and I also went to lunch and did some shopping after my appointment today. We found a beautiful nursery where I got three more plants for Caleb’s garden. It was a good day with the exception of finding out the fertility clinic misquoted me on what today would cost by about $800. I have no idea where I’m supposed to come up with this money. I can’t stress about it right now. I need to get everything faxed to grad school and register for my classes. That’s my main concern right now. My doctor seemed very positive and that made me think that this could really work! The nurse went over the progesterone shots, which I need to explain to my husband and they are scary. None of the IVF needles were too bad, but this is an oil which makes it harder to use the plunger part of the needle. I still have a few weeks before I have to deal with those though! Time to get some sleep. I haven’t slept well lately and when I finally fall asleep I usually have nightmares. Tonight I hope to dream of my baby. He has yet to visit my dreams and I would love to see him again.

Crazy for feeling so lonely

I feel like I’m going crazy. The anger and overwhelming sadness is back. I’m losing it. I am not okay. When you really need someone to be there, is when you realize how few people you actually have in your life that are there for you or are even capable of understanding you or loving you when you are at such an ugly place.

If this FET fails I have 4 plan Bs. One includes getting a job with insurance that will cover IVF again (even though this option is dangerous to my health, although I’m sure my husband would rather that than having to make healthier choices for himself and improve his sperm), another includes me moving (without my husband, whose job is the most important thing to him) to a state with better insurance coverage for IVF (and then put my health at risk.) Option three would be to give up and attempt to adopt, which I would have to save up for as well since it costs around $15,000. Option number four is the newest option I have considered…living childless and giving up. If I pick option four, then I have no reason to keep trying to be healthy. I may as well go back to smoking, start drinking, and having fun. After all, I will have no child to be an influence on or to need to be around to watch grow up. My baby is already in heaven. Honestly, if the FET doesn’t work then option four is probably where I will end up, at least temporarily.

I have met a lot of people who have lost their babies due to stillbirth. And I have a lot of family. Still, I am terribly lonely most of the time. I can’t blame people for not wanting to be around me. I am a very difficult, sad, angry person lately. If I were someone else and my life were going great, I would want to be around other people with an awesome life who were very positive and whose babies didn’t die. I want to find a friend. This friend would be someone who I could trust, talk to about anything, who lived close and could go for coffee and stop by my house sometimes, who could let me cry, love me when I’m a mess, and let me be a part of their life, but understand when I get crazy and need to be alone. When I was younger I had friends. People who get married and have kids don’t usually have time to be that type of friend. I had a friend like that once and she died. She made everyone around her feel good. I think about her all the time and how I wish I could be more like her.

I wish if I were going to have episodes where I feel crazy that I could at least be happy, delusional crazy. My love bug Ricky (who also died-everyone awesome dies) used to sit alone in his room and laugh hysterically. I loved him even more for this, and I always wished I could know what made him so happy. Too bad when God takes all the best people to hang out with he doesn’t leave us little pieces of them….all the amazing things that we loved-I wish we could have soaked up some of them while we mourned their loss. Luckily, I read an article that said that some of Caleb’s cells are still in my body. Apparently we exchange cells through the umbilical cord. Maybe that’s why I seem so much crazier than my husband.

Rambling Thoughts

I have been on birth control pills for six days now, much to the dismay of my hematologist. He did not like the idea that my FET requires the use of hormones at all. I guess with my Factor V Leiden and MTHRF I am at higher risk of a clot. He even called my fertility doctor, who assured me that if I didn’t clot during my IVF cycle last year when my estrogen got to 10,000, then my chances are very low. So here I am. I gained back the about ten pounds I had lost during my crazy angriness. So today I went back to Weight Watchers.

Why do people feel the need to lie? Especially about stupid shit? I happen to be in a close relationship with someone who lies about the dumbest shit. And it makes me feel horrible. Why is it assumed that I deserve to be lied to all the time? That I am too stupid to figure out your lies? Do people think I can’t handle the truth? I have been through a lot of really awful, terrible, life-altering events. Your dumb lie won’t kill me. But it will destroy any sense of trust I have in you. And then I start to believe that there is no one worth trusting and I begin to question everything.

So now I sit here full of anxiety over being lied to, guilt over failing at my fitness goals, and wondering if I am meant to be here at this very moment. Did everything I have said and done up until this point in my life lead me to this moment, this feeling, this obstacle? I really thought that by the time I turned 32, I would be so different. I thought I would have a career, a child, and a better grip on my depression. I never imagined that I would go through some of the things I have endured in the past 6 years.

There are some people who live in their heads. They think positively, even delusionally sometimes, but they let none of the bullshit affect their perspective and well-being. Sometimes I wish I lived a more fulfilling life in my head. After all, we are all made up by the way we perceive the world around us. I wish I could laugh when I feel like crying, harm no one, let nothing bother me, just enjoy the fact that I am alive.

In the world in my head, I will play like a child, appreciate beauty, love all animals and creatures, and dance and spin in circles until I get dizzy. I wish I could change my unbearable instinct to think negatively and obsess over aggravating details. I know that it is possible, but I get stuck on the painful aspects of my thoughts.

I would like to take one hour every day to exercise, which I have been doing well with lately. I would also like to take an hour for some form of relaxation such as painting, reading, or gardening. I know I have been rambling on, but that’s just the way my mind is working at the moment.

Friday I attend an Information Session about starting grad school this fall. I’m a little nervous to be starting over again at a new school, in a grown-up program. I think it’s time to take a xanax and try to sleep.

June 29, 2013

Well today I got my medications in the mail so that I can start getting ready for the FET when my body decides it’s time. The box looked exactly like the one I received last year at this time, down to the sticker of a weird penguin on the outside and the tape holding it together. It was the same size, despite the fact that I will be taking fewer medications this round.

The past few days have been terrible. I have felt completely out of control of my life, my emotions, and of course my future. I have been angry. Not generic angry. Infuriated, wanting to destroy things. I have hated for no reason. I scared myself. I’m mad that people get pregnant by accident and don’t even want their children, but they get to keep them. I’m mad that everyone is happy in their lives where everything turns out SO great and my baby is still dead. I’m mad that God gave me Caleb, let me love him and take care of him, and want to meet him so much and then he just died. What was the purpose?

I have also wondered how my child died inside of me and I didn’t know. How did I cook dinner for my husband on Valentine’s Day when my son would be dying sometime in the next few hours? That night I had a very scary, terrible dream. My grandmother and great-grandmother (who both passed away) were coming out of freezers and chasing me. I don’t think they meant to harm me. They were probably warning me, but when you see a frozen corpse come out of a freezer in a dark dreamland, you run. The dream scared me so much that I woke my husband to tell him about it. I knew something was wrong. But the next morning I sat through two classes, answering questions and listening to the lectures. It was after my second class when the doctor’s office finally called me back and suggested I go to the hospital. I should have known. If there is truly an angel of death, then it took my child from inside my body. How did I not feel something?

Grief is a fucked up, scary thing. I will have a few weeks of doing well. I will busy myself with projects and planning. And then this happens. Thank God for xanax, but even that cannot stop the fear I have been feeling. If you have never been through this, then you might think I’m crazy and maybe I should wait to try again. This is (for the time being) my last chance. It’s going to scare the hell out of me whenever we do this. I will feel immense pressure because my body is asked to cooperate with the thousands of dollars worth of fertility treatments. And if it doesn’t, then we just wasted a ton of money. I’m starting to feel better than I did for the past few days. I think that maybe I needed to have a major breakdown-to experience every ounce of fear/anger/sadness/doubt before we start this process, so that I can be calm going forward. If it doesn’t work, we will find a way. Nothing will ever be as bad as losing Caleb.

Let’s Be Honest

Let’s be honest, shall we? I know not everyone in my life enjoys telling the truth. But fuck it. I want to sleep all day. I just washed my bedding last night and my bed is the best place I have ever been. My dreams are ten times better than my life, even when they are scary. I’m excited to see what happens next. Even in the dreams where I so often try to scream and no sound will come out. Last night (or sometime today) I dreamt that I was in New Jersey and it had snowed. I haven’t seen a real snowstorm in over six years. The last time I saw snow was the night Caleb was born, out in the parking lot, all drugged up, smoking a cigarette. Oh, today is my fifth day smoke-free again. I can’t say the same for my husband. We are two very different people. Love doesn’t care how different two people are. It doesn’t decide to by-pass the guy with the crappy sperm or the girl whose body will clot up and kill their miracle baby. They fall in love, ruin their chances at parenthood, and are left with each other. Unless you have experienced what we have, I suggest you take your “perfect” marriage and shove it up your ass. You have no idea what goes on in this house or this relationship. Talk to me when you bury your baby. Then maybe we will have something in common again. Because no matter who I was before, Caleb changed me permanently. Not only do I know that the worst things in the world CAN happen, I expect them to happen to me. So at this time, while I am waiting to attempt to get pregnant again, I am feeling very alone. But it’s okay. I love my house. I would never leave if I didn’t have to. I am terrified that this upcoming transfer will not work. I hope with everything in me that it will, but I also know that a 40% chance isn’t great, especially when it is our last chance. I need a Plan B.

The more things change, the more they stay the same

Our raffle is over. I’m happy, because now we can move forward. But I’m also kind of sad. The raffle took up a lot of my time and kept me busy. Honestly, I was a little disappointed. There were so many people who cared about us that bought tickets and so many people who would’ve really loved that bike. When we picked a winner, it turned out to be someone I had never met. Lucky for my dad (who had offered to bring the bike anywhere on the east coast) he lived locally. The man who won was very nice and I am so grateful that people are willing to buy tickets to support someone they have never met. I guess I was sad because I know he is selling the bike. First of all, it’s way too small for him. But he had called someone to come look at it less than ten minutes after we brought him the bike. I know it’s none of my business what happens now. It just would’ve been nice to see someone win who couldn’t wait to ride their very own Harley. It was hard for my mom to give the bike up, but she wants a grandbaby more than she wanted her bike. And so it’s gone. Hope has been accomplished.

Today was our consultation with our RE. My weight is not an issue. Apparently, weight effects a woman’s egg quality, but we have two frozen embryos, so I don’t need to make any eggs for this cycle. At the end of the month, I will start birth control for somewhere around 12 days. Then I will be put on estrogen patches until I’m eventually wearing four at a time. I will also have to get intramuscular injections of progesterone (yup-like the shot the doctor gives in your hip/butt) until my ninth week of pregnancy. Apparently, the doctor thinks my husband should give me those, which scares me a little. I always did my own shots last time. In addition to these medications, I will take a baby aspirin every day and give myself injections of Lovenox (a blood thinner) in my stomach until six weeks after I deliver a baby. Monday I will see my hematologist, who will recommend the best time to start blood thinners. I have a clotting disorder called Factor V Leiden (which caused my placenta to become clotted and ultimately caused Caleb’s death) and the added hormones can be dangerous.

Our transfer with Caleb last year was on July 31st. The doctor said that this year, we could transfer anywhere from the end of July to the second week in August. That means my pregnancy will be on the same timeline as my previous one. That scares me a little and even makes me sad. February will be hard. There’s no question about that. It’s a terrible month. But now I will be waiting to pass the 31 week mark. And I don’t want to take anything away from Caleb. It’s such a weird feeling. I’m so excited and I want so much to get pregnant and bring a baby home. But it’s always going to be hard to find a balance between my future and my past. How do you incorporate into your life and honor someone who isn’t here anymore?

I think going back to the same RE and everything feeling like it’s repeating made today a little bit rough. I’ve cried more today than I have in awhile. My husband and I watched “The Guilt Trip” tonight. It’s a comedy, but at one point in the movie the mother says to her son something like, “If I had my choice of all the boys in the world, I’d always pick you.” I would have given anything to be able to tell Caleb how much I love him. And I would always pick him. At this point in my life, I can’t imagine being capable of loving someone more. But I know that if I get to bring a baby home one day, I will have thousands more memories with them than I ever did with Caleb. All my memories of my time with Caleb are while he was still in my belly. When I finally got to meet him and hold him, he was already gone.